The somewhat strange picture of chairs got a lot of views for this site. What is specific about these chairs, you may wonder. It is a ground unable to be reclaimed by me. This is part of the beginning that needs to be banished.
“I like you a lot,” he said, a blush of deep red pouring over him and a heartbreaking sincerity nearly cracking his voice as we sat on this chairs, me on the far chair and him on the near. I came to know that this change of hue would come easily, but only with duress. Either though laughter or despair, a fine line I tossed his emotions toward. I learned this over nearly a year. In that time, the statement also evolved.
“I had really wished that you have broken your back at your father’s grave,” he said, cocking his head sideways and staring hard at me. He leaned against his car and I leaned against the wind. Shadows replaced the color in his face. He then moved to hold me when the tears broke. This was the true dichotomy of our relationship.
In the past, I used hate to help move on and forgetting may or may not have been a part of it. Here I aim just to forget. I will be losing nearly a whole year. As I was told by a friend and something that I had speculated myself, the fact that he did move on from the “throes of a grand love” in less than three months showed me that my initial fears were valid. Where it was my mistake to hurt him, it was also my mistake to believe that he did love me. He already had sights placed elsewhere, I was just a pleasant surprise.
I had hedged on a relationship because I was the first to show him any female affection and companionship. From that came his perception of an off kilter emotion he termed love. I knew I was right. I never listen to myself.
Said friend asked me, “Wouldn’t you have taken him back if he, instead of you, had said, hey, I made a mistake?”
“Most likely… but he has all the right in the world to be angry…just wish he’d talk to me.”
“What would that accomplish? Don’t you think he may be on a power trip coming from deep seated emotional issues?”
“This does not help me. There must have been something I could have done.”
“But you did. You tried. Let’s use a cliché here: it takes two to tango. The ball was in his court. We set our expectations from the actions of others and that only sets us up for disappointment.”
It will take time for me. Three months is a fallacy that I cannot hope to compete with. I will have to burn every shard of memory – every thought of good, every thought of bad. I’m am grateful for the patience of my friends, especially on my low days.
“ ‘Let me go home so I can e-mail you.’ What a loser,” he said.
I sighed, “Yeah…Don’t I know how to pick ‘em?”