My Madeleine

I had to get to the campus early this morning. I walked through the parking lot, weaving through the cars and making sure that frantic drivers hoping to snag a spot noticed me. I fiddled with my iPod and looked up to see a familiar, sloping walk coming down in the other direction from the lot.

We never came within 50 yards within one another and I don’t think that he saw me. The first feeling that I got when I recognized all the pieces and pulled it together to something so dear, yet something so hideously painful, was a dull wash of tightness in the pit of my stomach. For a split second, it cascaded to the area barely beneath my ribs and swung back down and was gone. The small reaction surprised me.

It wasn’t a wretched loss of breath. It wasn’t a surreal moment. It was a flush of warmth, a remembrance, and it was gone. I passed behind an SUV, still hoping that he would continue to not see me, yet kept him in my vision, staring as he walked. As he lifted a limp hand to help shrug his backpack strap higher onto his shoulder, a clear thought floated in, “Maybe this was all meant to be. Maybe this is how it was supposed to be.”

He passed from my peripheral vision and was gone.

This was the first day that I really had an idea of how to process a looming cognitive dissonance I’ve held for over a year now. That unshakeable belief that you had done something very, very wrong and there was no meaning.

It leads me back to what my Mom told me after I reflected, through sobs, that I had done things that would be etched forever on my soul as regret. It was the first time I can really recall her empathizing with any of my heart breaks, nevermind that it was me breaking my own heart, she told me, “You did what you thought was right at the time. You did what you had to do. And no matter what outcomes follow, you did what was right for yourself at the time. You might have hurt yourself, and who knows in the long run, your subconscious knew what was right for you then. Maybe, somehow, you protected yourself.”

The idea of your subconscious molding the future range of your active free will is unsettling. But today, for the first time, I had a thought of thinking that, even if the means to the end were atrocious, maybe something had gone right for both of us.

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13 Responses to My Madeleine

  1. eatsbugs says:

    I smell closure.

  2. firewings says:

    Oh gods, no. How else am I going to fit in snide references in my writing?

  3. E says:

    Am I going to have to write more castigating and mocking blog responses?

  4. firewings says:

    “It’s my blog and I’ll do what I wanna.”

    I’m slowly erroding my Kind Blog status here.

  5. K says:

    I’m not sure about you, or anybody else for that matter, but usually my situations like those described above leave me with shaky hands, an unstable heartbeat and a feeling of dehydration. Pretty good feeling if you ask me …

    Oh, as for jumanji’s email. I don’t have it(or at least not his new one, I have his university of chicago one), however I’ll email you when I get a chance regarding his myspace. He usually always checks it …

  6. Thebutton says:

    Stuff like that is always hard to get over. I don’t know the details of this particular situation but there were quite a few times where I ended relationships where it hurt me too. It wasn’t until I found someone that I could honestly see spending the rest of my years with that I fully understood the many broken hearts. I hate referencing this song all the time, not sure if it’s because I hate country, but this song does it for me. Play it when you find the right one and you’ll understand. “God Bless the Broken Road” by The Rascal Flats.

  7. The Rebuker says:

    Hmm, cruelty or protecting your self? I admire the fact you didn’t handled the situation so maturely. I was one of those girls who would do the “pretend I’m having a great time without him” act if confronted with an ex.

  8. firewings says:

    There is only so much fun you can have walking through a parking lot. ^_^

  9. J says:

    Loads of fun – try skipping!

  10. firewings says:

    Man, I wish I could spell the first time around. *le sigh*

  11. eatsbugs says:

    C…skipping? I think not.

    And yes, your kind blog status is fading. You’re gonna have a figure a way to be more sarcastic and very subversive when this topic comes up.

  12. Sarah says:

    Forgetting is not what mistakes are for. And Mistakes aren’t always wrong.
    1: Mistakes are for us to look back and say Oh, God!!! ****kringe deeply inside**** and steer away from what caused the relapse.
    2. to help us appreciate everything we have gained in the shadow of those things which give us heart ache. Only then forgiving ourselves gives us release to move on. Never forget, just accept and move on.
    (don’t worry I almost have an idea of what I am trying to say but ya get the Pic ture right?)

  13. Kallie_Pigeon says:

    I lingered on an ex-love’s MySpace for 90 minutes a few months ago. I am, as you know, more than content in my current situation…but still. I chalk it up as one of the hazards of being a really passionate person. And a bunch of Xanax.

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