On my wavelengths

I create a personalized gauntlet for all my friends. I try their intellect, observe their movements within the world, and make mental notches of what qualities align between us. I have been told that I do not have a lot of tolerance and that I should allow for them to judge me for my grievances as steeply as I do theirs. For the latter, I do wish to be held highly accountable for my actions and behavior and run into the same sort of weavings that I create. As for tolerance, I am unbendingly strict.

Almost.

It seems like where I tend to usually allow for failure upon failure is in my relationships. I am a typical woman in regards to hoping and passively waiting for some mind reading, but on the whole, I do tend to give very explicit instructions for the capture of my esteem.

I value words: the power they carry, the pictures of the immaterial that they can create, and, as trite as it sounds, how they can access the roadmap to a person’s inner world. It’s not to say that you will understand what you see when you get there. You may not like the carpeting, the decorations on the walls, or the dusty moldings – but if you can relate in a little way or even feel comfortable in their world, perhaps there is more to initiate a longer similar travel for a while.

Sadly, these simple – to me – instructions never really get engaged and I’m left feeling bizarrely frustrated and mad at myself.

The movie The Motorcycle Diaries had interesting line, about two lives running parallel to one another for a little while. I never wanted a merging of lives, not even when illicitly conjuring the white picket dream. I just wanted another compatible life to run parallel with mine for a while.

On a side note, I was asked if I knew where I was going after I admitted a general feeling that I knew I was going somewhere. I a bit haphazardly mentioned that I did know of what that feeling consisted. I said that I hope to end up somewhere I can’t currently imagine and currently would not be able to currently believe.

It’s an interesting start on solidifying bits of a personal worldview.

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17 Responses to On my wavelengths

  1. E says:

    So is this wavelength compatibility a function of simply your feelings towards a person, or do you implicitly sit down and reason them out based on criteria?

  2. K says:

    WOW.
    This post went right over my head.

    *swishing sound as it flies over*

  3. firewings says:

    I should get myself a list shouldn’t I? That would be the efficient German thing to do, wouldn’t it?

    But no, I use my lazy American “gut” feeling. For the most part – I can be bribed with offers of cake and chocolate.

  4. E says:

    Efficient and German? Add disciplinarian and that almost sounds…. er, never mind.

    Anyway, I know exactly how you feel. I think I feel it all the time. Sigh. At any rate, it’s good to know that you can be swayed by proper kickbacks. I think I have at least half of that bribe material, so if you ever need some, let me know. I’m the man.

  5. eatsbugs says:

    It seems this weekend has given us nothing but heavy material to work with.

  6. The Rebuker says:

    This is your blog, these are your wavelengths, but isn’t your model a bit black and white? I understand the desire to avoid a complete merging of “life paths” (the implication being that you would lose your individuality or your unique self in the process) but an entirely separate path seems alienating. To continue the metaphor, all you can do is wave at other people, assess what qualities you have in common, and then continue down your solitary path. It seems, I don’t know, sterile.

  7. firewings says:

    I’m not sure, R, why you’ve made an assumption that there would be an immediate termination after a quality assessment. That’s not at all my meaning. In fact, I would cherish any found qualities and do my damnedest to kept the person, if they were willing, in my life.

    Coming from a rather sterile childhood, to grow in this way is something novel and alien. To break the mold from a hermit lifestyle has taken me years, and I’m still not where I want to be, but I take steps in order to not waste my time and theirs. If they prefer hammering back beer and watching According to Jim, let me not be the one to suggest Scrabble. That’s all I’m saying.

    [And before anyone jumps on me, with a stereotypes a flutterin’ around, I’m sure there are people who like beer and Scrabble. I’m sure they’re swell.]

    [There is also the difference betweens
    friends and relationships, but that’s a whole other comment.]

    So…drum circle and poetry anyone?

    Kidding!

    Um, just slightly kidding.

  8. eatsbugs says:

    Ooh, drum circle! I love those! Really, they are so awesome!

  9. E says:

    “[A] difference betweens friends and relationships…”? What sort of backwater talk is that there?

    I kid, I kid.

  10. firewings says:

    If it was truly backwater, there would be no difference between relationships and family.

    Ew.

  11. The Rebuker says:

    I think my assumption is based totally on your post: you didn’t seem to address what happened after the assessment part. Based on my actual relationship with you, I know my assumption is false. Just wanted to pique that moody/introspective/philosophical part of you that wrote the post.

    Also, one of the most difficult parts of marriage has been growing out of the me-centered way in which I grew up. While I would not characterize my childhood as sterile, as an only child of parents who were not at all interested in kid things, I grew up focusing entirely on myself and my interests. I struggle daily with putting other people, even my husband and daughter, before myself.

    COuldn’t find any jokes about drum circles but:
    What do you call a hippie wearing a suit?
    (the defendant)

  12. firewings says:

    Lol, I didn’t think I needed to go into the “after assessment scenerio”. Of course, we’d go put flowers in guns together!

    As for moody/introspective/philosophical…I think I was just hungry.

  13. Thebutton says:

    I have to agree with R on the whole marriage thing. Both parties have to adjust. I was SUPER independant when I married Bry. That ruffled his feathers a bit because he wanted to provide for me (I was the key breadwinner until he got promoted and I was damn proud of it) and I had difficulty letting him. Then once that promotion hit him, I was forced to let him provide. Then we had to move and I no longer had a job. That was rather rough. I still felt like I had to control something and I couldn’t find what I needed to control. I’ve finally learned, after nearly four years with this man, that I need to let things flow, we’re a team. We can’t just be parallel, we have to be as one, that’s how we function.

    Ok, I shall stop now, I feel like I have written a novel.

  14. firewings says:

    Doubtful at this point that I’m ready to marry, that’s for sure.

    As for two beings coming together as a team…doesn’t have to mean that they lose all their independence is what I’m suggesting.

    “There is no I in fruit.”
    “Yes there is.”

  15. Thebutton says:

    I haven’t lost all of my independance, trust me. Even in my lovely fruit bowl belly state, I insist on doing things for myself. I never want that state of feeling helpless.

  16. firewings says:

    *senses a strange disconnect in conversation*

    Let’s chalk it all up to my fear of committment shall we?

  17. J says:

    On a different note than that of the comments so far. I would have to say that a place you would not expect to be would still be the ocean. That would fit the criteria that you’re looking for. The fortune teller could still be right. hehe

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