Quasi CW

I was having one of those mornings where you just need to call your Mom. Those days where you understand that there are women in the Congo with fistulas and people dying of Lou Gehrig’s disease, [Thank you Universe for your helpful night time programming.] but that does not stave off your own ebb of worry and doubt that anything you do will net you something beyond just being a cog in the wheel.

And, still being in the state, I feel that I should apologize to those who want to be cogs or are cogs. I don’t want to be. Simple as that.

I’m coming to the realization that wanting “something more” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You’re not selfish for having your dreams and desires. You carry them in your hands, up next to your heart, and it’s alright to cry a bit when someone bumps you, walks on, and you look at the broken crumbles of what you thought you wanted and where you thought you were lies before you.

But I’m burnt to a crisp. I’m just tired of the irrelevant aspects of my life. I’m tired of the contradictions, the loneliness, the cold clay of mud around my feet keeping me from doing…And that’s just it, I have no idea what I should be doing, and worse than that, what I want to be doing.

So to perfect an unstable morning preceeded by too little and mostly restless sleep, I had broken gears on a bike just repaired [Oh you will know about that. That’s my next PSA post.] and get to school only to end up on the wrong bus.

I have discovered in grad school that I tend to “get” abstract thought better than logic and since they have implemented a three bus system instead of the previous one bus system and I’m blaming the inherent logic and ease in that as leading to a failure of non-computation for me.

So as I realized that the bus I’m on is going to take me to all outback posts of campus dorms, instead of getting anywhere near the main buildings, I sulk back in my seat, a vision of petulant and self-absorbed grad student, muttering, “Gawwwd” with a overflow of vicious sighs.

Out of the blue, the jukebox in my head picked the song “We’re on A Road to Nowhere” by the Talking Heads.

We’re on a road to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin’ that ride to nowhere
We’ll take that ride

Feelin’ okay this mornin’
And you know,
We’re on the road to paradise
Here we go, here we go

We’re on a ride to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin’ that ride to nowhere
We’ll take that ride

Maybe you wonder where you are
I don’t care
Here is where time is on our side
Take you there…take you there

I felt a little better.


9 Responses to Quasi CW

  1. J says:

    This isn’t being negative, but I think that we are all cogs. The problem lies in the fact that we don’t really know what the machine is for to be able to realize that maybe we are placed in the correct position to make it work after all.

  2. eatsbugs says:

    I need a talking head at this moment. Maybe it would have a better idea of what’s going on in this world than me.

  3. E says:

    I would make one of my jokes about Cogswell Cogs, “The Matrix has you,” or something about The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down but it’s probably inappropriate. Feel free to laugh anyway if it helps.

  4. K says:

    I think everybody gets to feeling this way from time to time. The feeling or the need of wanting more isn’t a bad thing, to achieve a purpose or to feel accomplished.

    It’s natural. It’s normal. It’s life.

    Writing it down, or even listening to a good tune is always a good first step 😉

  5. Speaking of good tune, you remind me somewhat of the song “Dreamer” by Chelsea Wolfe

  6. Nita says:

    Great feast! Mine is up too. Hope you can visit me! Have a great weekend ahead 🙂

  7. schmutzie says:

    I have similar feelings lately and am thinking of losing some financial stability and going back to school. For what? Who knows. I wish this stuff just made itself obvious.

    Now I must go find Talking Heads songs.

  8. Kallie_Pigeon says:

    Diagnosis: Too much Nietzsche.

    Prescription: Drippingly non-academic fare. I suggest Sweet Valley High.

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