Meta Post

I get on the phone with my aunt this afternoon where she tells me that she finally showed her boyfriend my site for the first time.

“Shoot, I’ve haven’t done anything with that in a week or so,” I mumble.

“Ja, da war nicht viel los,” she said dryly.

It’s true; there hasn’t been a lot going on here. I’ve seen the light at the end of the grad school tunnel, but it’s that light that I’m shielding my eyes from instead of typing. I’ve been spending the last two weeks working on this beast of a reflective portfolio, dissecting what it all Means, and how you Feel, and how you can Connect between Theory and Reality. And I’m Getting Tired Of The Importance Of It All. So, the thought of coming here to give out more slices of my life in my life would have probably drowned me mentally.

In addition, I’ve had an influx of hormones the last week, reaching a crescendo late Friday night and petering out on Sunday morning. I felt as if I were stumbling around in a thick fog, head rearing backward, clutching my heart with one hand, waving my other arm into damp air and accumulating liquid in my lungs which made every breath rattle.

This, translated into reality, meant that I sit listlessly on the couch staring at the television. But if we ever actually did get preciptiation here, I’d be first in line for such a dramatic enacting of that imagery.

It also doesn’t help to be be cavorting around with an ex and lingering under hormone-inspired delusions because, yes, being friends, I can do that – friends. It seemed so…innocuous. Until I realize I have to fixate my eyes to the ground lest I remember that I had worn the shirt he was wearing.

I asked him simply not to introduce me to his new girlfriends and him assuring me I had nothing to worry about. This tends to have the opposite effect.

Now…when it comes to you…and us..I have a few unanswered questions. So, before this tale of bloody revenge reaches its climax, I’m gonna ask you some questions, and I want you to tell me the truth.  However, therein lies a dilemma. Because when it comes to the subject of me, I believe you are truly and utterly incapable of telling the truth. Especially to me. And least of all, to yourself. And when it comes to the subject of me, I am truly and utterly incapable of believing anything you say. How do you suppose we solve this dilemma?

-Bill, from Kill Bill Vol. 2

It’ll be R that may read this and when I come to work, shake her head slowly and sigh with a slight hint of a drawl, “Not aaagain. You know can do better.” She might even drop a line about getting on the horn to find me a man and I think that’s when I’m to know that she’s being Serious about The Situation.


6 Responses to Meta Post

  1. The Rebuker says:

    Me very, very Serious.

    Despite what I may have said in eye-rolling, dump-the-chump! diatribes of the past, I don’t ascribe to a “get over it” method of dealing with heartache. If you truly loved somebody or if it was just one of those intense relationships, then it makes sense that you want hang on to the feelings and memories that remind you of being together: they’re meaningful, they’re legitimate, they’re comforting when you’re bummed out. So, if you’re still missing him (or, more likely, you and him) a year or two later, then okay! That’s how long it takes for you to work through this loss.
    What you must not lose sight of: eventually, these feelings will fade and you’ll want to move on and maybe start a relationship with someone new. You are the kind of person, I think, who likes to be comfortable with the person upon whom you are putting the moves or by whom the moves are being put on you. And the people you are most comfortable with are friends. So, you need to increase the number of guys who you consider friends (or, friendly acquaintances) now thereby increasing the pool of likely candidates for later.
    I’ll refrain from using a hunting metaphor here and offer two pieces of advice for making friends with members of the opposite sex:
    1) Learn how to channel/control the “I want to f*ck” impulse. You know the impulse I’m talking about? The one that lurks under every innocuous, getting-to-know-you conversation secretly sizing up the guy as a potential bedmate. The one that makes you act goofy and shy, instead of confident and fun. It’s okay if the impulse stays (our very biology won’t let us abandon it completely), just don’t let it get in the way of getting to know another person or of letting another person know you.
    2) Expand your dating expectations. I always dated theatre guys because they were funny and creative and carefree and had ebulient personalities. They were also, without exception, disastrous lovers and emotional wrecks. But I kept dating them because that’s who I had always dated and I couldn’t see myself with another kind of guy. Then I hooked up with one of my guy friends, The Biggest Mexican You’ve Ever Seen, and, six years later, we’re still a good pair. So, try meeting guys who don’t exactly fit your expectations (this will actually help with controlling the “I want to f*ck” impulse).

  2. The Rebuker says:

    Me long-winded too!

  3. chickdrummer says:

    Hey! I had exactly the same kind of week, minus the ex and the lack of rain. We’ve had nothing but rain and then my rabbit got spade. It was a tough week.

  4. firewings says:

    So I need to try a theater guy…


    Also, bless you and your comments. Honest to goodness, they’re great stuff.

  5. thebutton says:

    I wish you the best hun. The only ex dating that worked out for me was my hubby.

    And I agree with you about the ex showing off his new flames. It irked the hell out of me when trying to maintain a friendship with him. It makes you feel replaced or like he’s showing his new chica “look who I was with before you, eh.” So blasted grr…

    I agree with R. Go find someone different. Go for the opposite of the ex. You might be surprised. 🙂

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