Those desperately curious about my whining and verbal schlepping of myself around 15-year-old style and who are new to the case files of firewings vs. HWSNBN – your day has come.
Those of your that are desperately waiting for me to either post something insightful, funny, or a cop-out picture of a homemade lolcat will have to wait. Join me tomorrow for the second annual Thanksgiving photoblogging and stay tuned to see if I chose to make my own stuffing or if I wimp out because I bought of box of it.
In getting back in touch with an old friend, I was posed a question by her:
Have you ever had a person, either a friend or a lover, lose your trust completely, and then come back to regain your trust? If not, you’re the only one, if so, how did you/they do it?
I answered with the most raw response. It is long. Names and places changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.
Oy, oy, oy. I’m probably in too fragile of a state to answer your question without a bitter bias.
The HWSNBN of the last e-mail? Love of my life, unquestionably so. When we were 19 after about two years of off again, on again dating, he cut all ties with me. I was shattered. It was a vile, vile break-up for me. In retrospect, I was suppose I was stifling him and he needed to go find himself. *rolls eyes due to a tinge of sarcasm* HWSNBN is very, very good about cold turkeying (how seasonal) a relationship from one day to the next.
I tried to move on and came so achingly close to it. I starting dating J who watched me every now and then cry myself to sleep at night for almost two years. J watched in horror as I nearly went into a panic attack when I heard HWSNBN’s voice as he came to visit my roommate during my sophomore year. And so while he knew my soul, it wasn’t working romantically with J, but I had started healing.
And then on a spring break as I was washing dishes at my parent’s house, there was a knock on the door. My Dad, frail from the chemo, opened the door and again I heard the same dreaded voice. But there was a stoic brace somewhere inside me. A scar that held me calm and cool. A scar that boasted the illusion of asking, ‘What do you want?’
Amusingly, he had a friend with him because he believe I was going to lay the smack down. I dried my hands and stared at him as he proceeded to concoct a story about how he had just recently taken a psychology class (false) which had a class exercise to go make amends with people from his past. He looked good; he had his swagger. And of course he was still in my heart. I glanced at his friend giving me leery looks and suggested we have coffee later.
It was a beautiful diner coffee meeting in all senses of how I, in those dark nights past, could have wanted it. He had spent nights drinking and bemoaning to his friends how he had lost me because of his stupidity. He moved out to The Big City and it had tanked. He had some dizzyingly horrible female encounters. I leaned back in the booth and savored this. This hurt he brought on me, pantomimed in his life? It was too good to be true.
The next night as I mentioned that I was going to a movie with HWSNBN, my Mom gave me a stern, stern eye and shook her head. “Why him?” This was a continual question from everyone, even him, all the way up to the present.
Mind you it wasn’t just a movie. It was looks, it was feelings, it was the scent that I had missed, the hands that I sought for holding mine… We went to the park and he explained that we should try to make it work, that his life really had been bad without me. He was close to tears. My bitter heart now says I should have waited to actually see them.
There was no convincing. There would have never been anything needed to convince me. He was …ach, he was everything. I broke a lot of good decent things to let him back into my life. I was the careful bull in the china shop who let the bite from a gnat send all the beauty around me crashing into unrecognizable shards. It’s those shards I see now – the fractured remains of countless Could Have Been’s.
This is where I am right now. Three days after him holding me as we watch TV and everything being hunky dory, albeit a calm before the storm instigated by my suppression of emotional scars, he asks why we’re doing this. His flavor of reasoning was that I didn’t trust him with women. But really, I didn’t trust him not again let me slip from his list of priorities. It had trickled down from seeing each other just twice a week, to once a week with a lunch with his friends. Naturally I wanted him to focus on his schooling…but the priority of me and where I am in my life as well was never something to be negotiated for him.
At the end of October, I was calling him on his behavior as of late. The straw had been a trip he had taken with “the boys.” I had been for months trying to plan a trip with the two of us, he would hedge with that he was just too busy with school to take a weekend out. Okay, I admitted, procrastination didn’t offer the same results for him as it did for me. His schedule started to open up, but no returns on my effort. I hear about his trip suddenly: he’s taking five days to go play Magic The Gathering in a distant state. I felt the slap not just in my face but in my heart.
On my blame, he just nodded in assent. No disagreement, just yes, I’m an ass and we should break this off. There was a string of end of relationship drama, but still, overall I’m at a loss.
To answer your question and confirm his suspicions, I suppose I never did gain trust in him. And that’s why, even in the lows of my hurt, it still somehow seems okay and I’m not shattered as I had been the first time around. To win me back there would have needed to be much more effort than he ever had been willing to make for me. Perhaps it’s me asking too much, perhaps it’s him not being ready. I really don’t know. It’s done.
Trust takes effort. For me, it isn’t just readily placed into the hands of just anyone, especially not someone who has snuffed it out before.