Are things in the future heavier?

“This is going to go into your blog again, isn’t it?” he said as we
stepped out of the apartment and I nodded vigorously with a large smile.
“Of course it is! Dialogue is one of my favorite framing methods for
writing.”

I had texted him the day before during lunch to pick me up and take me off campus. As I climbed into the car, “Anywhere, I don’t care,” I huffed. I
leaned my head back and closed my eyes, “And I’m not hungry so food is up to you.”

J had been driving one of my cars since his had been in the shop. As it
works out on our campus, I’m able to watch him drive up from the main
University Street from a circular lookout inside the campus where I can be
picked up. I had been in an uncomfortable mood. I had been
considering that I needed to keep thinking about concrete thoughts instead of letting my emotions get a hold of me. As I watched the car, the paint stripping from the sun off the top, I thought about my Dad and how he would have viewed my morose inaction in my current situation. And I had slipped back, swallowing hard. I thought about the concrete – my German flag novelty license plate I saw as he drove up was a pretty good representation of who I was. A haphazard identity, crooked even, that’s me.

We decided on coffee at the mall. I started in on a ramble about negativity and me perhaps getting enjoyment from negativity and catering too much too emotions and looping back in a verbal recursive mess. It’s one of those tangents when you lose yourself in words to the point where sometimes your talk yourself into the clear, but sometimes you trail off into an abstract not even you can follow. It was a moment for the latter. I asked him to just brutally honest about whatever he could follow from that.

After a typical deep breath, he said then something that struck me, “To me it seems like you’re so practical, and that you take such a functional view of life, that when you’re asked to dream of things, things that may be improbable, you tend to limit yourself. You regard practicality with a larger weight than dreams.”

Whoa. That about sums me right up.

In fact, whoa doesn’t even cover how accurate that is. The implications of this also saddens me. I still need to think about this, but I’m not sure where to start.

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4 Responses to Are things in the future heavier?

  1. The Rebuker says:

    So, are you saying that you are sad because you feel that you limit your ability to dream or use your imagination? Why sad? What do you feel you’re not doing/accomplishing by being of a more practically inclined ilk?

  2. a lee says:

    I try to start with these rather connected questions:

  3. a lee says:

    aagh. try #2:
    1. What am I trying to control, why, and how?
    2. What am I afraid of, and why?
    3. Would I rather be accepted as something I’m not, or rejected for who I am truly am?
    4. What part of me am I hiding from others, and how do I stop?
    5. What do I need to do to be more true to myself?
    6. Am I being unfair to anybody else in the working out of these answers? If so, how do I be fair?
    7. goto step 1.

    I may be in the wrong ballpark with the above and you can certianly tell me so if necessary. I just figured hey, an imminently practical person should appreciate a numbered list. : )

    Besides, your identity thing got my attention. Story of my life’s struggles, right there in that word. You’re in good company.

    hang in there!

  4. firewings says:

    I appreciate the questions. I have a draft in the works for some of them. ^_^

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