I have never dieted before and I started one today, one of a name brand quality. When I hit about 25, I realized that my metabolism was slowing down. What I could do at 19 or even 22, was not something that my body was comfortable allowing me to do anymore. As much as I didn’t so much appreciate the former, I cared only marginally more about the latter. In a way, my body has become my governess, chiding me from a corner. I expect that she will look on in pity when I hit 35 when I can’t drink the way I used to either.

I have had somewhat of an indifferent attitude toward my body my entire life. After the scoliosis phase, the gangly tall-for-my-age phase, and the awkward pimply phase, my hopes were simply that I would find someone who would actually love me for myself. Because, sure, you can love yourself and your flaws, but really, it’s finding that other person who says, “Oh, that strange rosacea on your cheeks you have is quite endearing.”

I feel that my body has become my manifestation of a thematic life lesson for me, namely control. I lost a lot of control of my sense of being in this “temple” that housed me after I had my spine fused and debated as I grew older if it was a way to keep me still in to live my life…placidly. I’ve also debated if I would have been a pilot or sports fanatic had I not had the surgery. I wondered if these thoughts dulled a innate desire for being competitive. Or have I always been this way; it seems blurry.

It felt like pushing myself with a fused spine already set my limits somehow. I feel like I was for once selfish at the use of my body during the birth of my child and I now question my faith in something that I really never had faith in before. I had a thought earlier today that I can’t quite think of a time where I’ve used my stubbornness directly at my body, in order to push through…or, with what fills me with regret, even to push out.

It’s come time for me to push myself physically and mentally too. I had set my mentality next to a road block that I could in fact have likely toppled over; I never directly tried. There are many road blocks I currently need to topple, but have faith that a certain tenacity might be a way forward.


10 Responses to Pushing

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